Honestly, how true is that? Its 3:13 am here, and I'm wide awake. Why?
Because I feel like I'm missing something, apparently.
Because I'm hurting secretly about something I thought I already let go of.
Of course, I never let go, I only bury. Que sighing.
The stage it set, the candles are all lit. Where are the players?
Seems I'm the only one in the audience waiting for the show of a lifetime.
Also, Why can't I just say what's on my mind?
What's been on my mind for years?
I could kick myself right now.
You would think that by now I would learn that waiting is not a solution.
At least.. I shouldn't be. I don't know.
Waiting is for lazy people, which I am unfortunately.
I wish I could find some satisfaction in this..
At least, other than one day I know God will lead me to the right man.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week, or next month. But someday.
But I don't want to be lonely for that long..
The fact is, I suck at being single.
Ohhh, I am bad at it.
I need someone to hold me, someone to laugh with me.
I need that special bond that you can't have with anyone else, but my problem is that I fall for the wrong people.
And I haaaate it.
I'm so willing to give my heart away, and to love someone that I forget about the other way around.
honestly, I've never understood having a "fling" with someone. Really? That's weak.
I guess I've been ready for the long haul since the beginning.
that's all I really want. To love and be loved.
But fate is cruel to me, and I must remain alone for a long time.
And I know it has to be this way, and it will. No matter how much it hurts, I guess.
And it hurts.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The Bursting Bubble.
One day, I swear...
One day I swear I'll buck up and have the courage to say how I feel, even though it is already painfully obvious.
One day I won't have to hide my face and laugh shyly.
This is driving me near insane.
It goes away, then returns with a sick vengeance, I swear it.
And I know.. I know things wouldn't be right.
Or do I?
The truth is that I'm terrified.
I freeze up, it scares me just as much as the dagger of lightning.
So many things zip through my trembling mind.
If I could scream it from a mountain, I wouldn't.
All I can do is smile stupidly to myself until I implode and say something stupid.
To burst, that's what would happen.
I bury it in a box in the absence.
A lead box that I wrap in chains.
But to no avail, it seeps out from the box and back into my body.
Every inch of me, even the parts that don't exist.
Dreams, thoughts, actions, all of it.
Maddening, sickening.
I almost wish it wasn't this way.
I almost wish it wasn't there.
Cruel, fate is. So very cruel.
So long this has been dwelling in me.
Years, years.
The bubble is bursting.
One day I swear I'll buck up and have the courage to say how I feel, even though it is already painfully obvious.
One day I won't have to hide my face and laugh shyly.
This is driving me near insane.
It goes away, then returns with a sick vengeance, I swear it.
And I know.. I know things wouldn't be right.
Or do I?
The truth is that I'm terrified.
I freeze up, it scares me just as much as the dagger of lightning.
So many things zip through my trembling mind.
If I could scream it from a mountain, I wouldn't.
All I can do is smile stupidly to myself until I implode and say something stupid.
To burst, that's what would happen.
I bury it in a box in the absence.
A lead box that I wrap in chains.
But to no avail, it seeps out from the box and back into my body.
Every inch of me, even the parts that don't exist.
Dreams, thoughts, actions, all of it.
Maddening, sickening.
I almost wish it wasn't this way.
I almost wish it wasn't there.
Cruel, fate is. So very cruel.
So long this has been dwelling in me.
Years, years.
The bubble is bursting.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
This is a rant.
I am not a five-year-old.
I am not incapable of doing things myself, the way I want to, and HOW I WANT TO DO IT.
I have something very important called an opinion, that I am VERY entitled to.
If I wave it around, I don't need to have my head shoved between my knees like some docile puppy.
You are NOT my parental figure, no..
I don't know what gave you ANY idea that you have any sort of rule over me, small one.
One day I'll leave you, and you'll have no one to step on.
One day, what I say, do, think, act, dress, and feel won't matter to you because I'll be so far gone, you won't even be able to smell what childishness you think radiates off of me.
So you leave me alone until you think I'm the age I need to be.
I am not incapable of doing things myself, the way I want to, and HOW I WANT TO DO IT.
I have something very important called an opinion, that I am VERY entitled to.
If I wave it around, I don't need to have my head shoved between my knees like some docile puppy.
You are NOT my parental figure, no..
I don't know what gave you ANY idea that you have any sort of rule over me, small one.
One day I'll leave you, and you'll have no one to step on.
One day, what I say, do, think, act, dress, and feel won't matter to you because I'll be so far gone, you won't even be able to smell what childishness you think radiates off of me.
So you leave me alone until you think I'm the age I need to be.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Grand Father
A great big teddy bear of a man.
His dark eyes filled with love and compassion.
"Who's in your heart?"
"Jesus!" I reply happily.
Good humored, and an eternal joker,
bringing light and positivity.
He reached out to the hopeless;
to the people who had none.
He gave them something to believe in,
and that was themselves.
He always said I was a genius,
right from the beginning.
I used to believe it..
More of a father to me than my old man.
A grand man, a good man.
God's man.
He taught me never to be hateful.
"Be gracious to one another,"
he always said.
Best advice I've ever heard.
Such a wise man, but no one to listen.
The only man you should trust with your heart isn't your dad.
It's your grandfather.
His dark eyes filled with love and compassion.
"Who's in your heart?"
"Jesus!" I reply happily.
Good humored, and an eternal joker,
bringing light and positivity.
He reached out to the hopeless;
to the people who had none.
He gave them something to believe in,
and that was themselves.
He always said I was a genius,
right from the beginning.
I used to believe it..
More of a father to me than my old man.
A grand man, a good man.
God's man.
He taught me never to be hateful.
"Be gracious to one another,"
he always said.
Best advice I've ever heard.
Such a wise man, but no one to listen.
The only man you should trust with your heart isn't your dad.
It's your grandfather.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The COOLEST thing on the internet. Ever.
I'll make this short. Whilst Stumbling online with my friend Gina, we happened upon this:
Awesome Falling thingy
^Super long thingy, I know.. but don't let that scare you. I can't stop laughing. Go look. Go look now.
Awesome Falling thingy
^Super long thingy, I know.. but don't let that scare you. I can't stop laughing. Go look. Go look now.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Of course this would happen to me... twice.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie. Not in a "super-awesome-actiony-sense," but more like a b-rate comedy with little known actors that rely on awkwardness to make the film funny.. Its really weird and stupid, but I've just learned to laugh it off as something along the lines of, "This might as well happen.." Yes, I am a cynical, neurotic person by nature. Anyway! The exact same embarrassing thing has happened to me twice in about two months.
Allow me to explain...
Sometime in, oh, early June I became single, solo, on the market, in the herd-- you get the picture.. Details are irrelevant! Since then, I've been amazing at getting myself into seemingly sketchy situations with other males whenever Mr. Dude shows up.
Example 1!
My good friend Sir Hipster (best male friend) and I went to a party on a whim, mainly because we were bored and my other friends had invited us to go. Of course, I had full knowledge Mr. Dude (ex) would be there later on in the evening, but they promised me it wouldn't be awkward and begged, begged, begged us to go. We agreed, unfortunately. The evening rolls on, the sun sets, the bonfire is made. Its cold out, so Sir Hipster and I head inside for warmth. One thing I should make known about Sir Hipster is that he is a very cuddly person. I've known him about six years, so I just take his cuddliness as it comes. Just how he is to me, how he is, how he always will be.
Anyway!
So we take a seat on a chair, and I'm sitting on him because at the time all of the chairs were outside, and the couch was disgusting. So who better to come in at that moment, then Mr. Dude? He opens the door, hesitates, enters, and makes several snide remarks about the situation. Only then do I begin to realize, "Oh.. wait. Yes. This looks bad. This looks very, very, very bad. Wait, why would he care? He lied to me for half a year about his feelings for me." Well, he cared. He storms out of the house after successfully obtaining whatever beverage he planned on consuming and left with a kind goodbye that went somewhere along the lines of, "Don't forget to use a rubber!"
Dumbfounded, Sir Hipster and I exchange confused glances and go on with our movie, me feeling especially irritated. Mr. Dude returns a few minutes later and tries again to assess the situation, but only becomes more aggravated at the situation progresses. (Mind you, I am fully aware that I made an ass out of myself for being careless and heartless.) He instead decides to once again fall back on his "rubbers" comment and leaves.
Since then, things have been as resolved as they're ever going to be for someone I never want to see again.. But anyway...
Example 2!
This is less extreme, but still... Let me make something known to you. I am from a small town.. So basically the people I'm friends with are friends with people I've previously dated. Its usually not uncommon that our circle of friends touch..
I am friends with a pleasant badass who looks remarkably like Johnny Depp. We've been hanging out now that he's back in town, but a downfall to that is that he's friends with Mr. Dude. He also lives in a house that belongs to a friend of himself and Mr. Dude. We'll call my friend Captain Sparrow.
We were hanging out the other day for a while and decided we needed to do something awesome! Not that there's anything awesome to do in a small town... So we ventured to WalMart, looked at the fish, counted the dead ones, stared at the art, smelled candles, bought coconut water, and left. We planned on going bowling afterwards, but arrived at the bowling alley to find that it was closed. So after finding that our coconut water drinks were repulsive, we threw the cartons to watch them explode. We decided to go back to Captain Sparrow's house and watch Rum Diaries (a Johnny Depp film for those unaware). It proved to be an interesting movie. About fifteen minutes before the movies ends, Mr. Dude happens to walk right in. the room was dark (because the light was burnt out), and Captain Sparrow and I were on the couch. Granted, we were a ways from each other, I still know what was going through Mr. Dude's mind: "What the F*CK is she doing here, in the dark, watching a movie with my best friend?!" Instead, he says, "Why is it so dark in here?.." Captain Sparrow does his best to accommodate for the dark room, and switches on a lamp near the doorway. Mr. Dude directs his dialogue to me. This is about how it goes.
Him: "So... I saw the Ford Focus outside.. I figured it was you, because I don't really know anyone else who drives that.."
Me: "....Haha, yeah.. One of a kind..."
Him: "So... Just got done watching a movie?.."
Me: "...Yeah, it was pretty weird.."
So on and so on about the movie and the plotline. I didn't make eye contact the whole time. Just stared ahead like a blank doll. A blank, awkward doll. The rest of the conversation was about work, and summer, and school.. y'know.. awkward small talk that should have ended sentences ago. I kept thinking about how badly falling from the second story building would hurt just to get away from the guy! After finding out that the last few times Captain Sparrow and I had been hanging out were supposed to be when he was going to hang out with Mr. Dude, I felt even more uncomfortable..
You see.. They're trying to kick certain habits. (When I say trying, more like not even making an attempt) But Captain Sparrow and I made a pact. He'd work hard to stop drinking and smoking, and I would work hard to stop cussing.
Well, no avail on his part because Mr. Dude is planning with him how they're both going to get trashed the next day while I sit and listen for about ten minutes. Not my problem, Mr. Dude can drink himself into a coma for all I care, no longer my problem. What bothered me was that Captain Sparrow was really, really trying to quit, but Mr. Dude just shat all over his accomplishments by pulling the "don't make me drink alone" card.
So I sit there until they're done talking, and without even thinking I stand up. I stand up, and this is what goes through my mind: "I'm up. Why am I up? Oh, yes! To leave. okay. Leaving now. Leaving and never coming back, ever."
Instead, this is the conversation that follows.
Me: "Welp, its been fun, but I better skee-dadle."
Captain: "Oh, okay."
Me: -walks for the door-
Dude: "Going on a date?"
Me: -sarcastic "Hah, hah, hahhh.." laugh-
Dude: -gets really quiet, and mumbles that he was just kidding-
Me: -tries to make light of the awkwardness and responds- "Oh, maybe with my Laptop.. Or my bed."
Dude: -nothing-
Crickets: -CHIRPCHIRPCHIRP- (<---- that is an exaggeration.)
Me: ".....Okay, cya!" -leaves-
As soon as I get into my car, I let loose with a, "WHYYYY?!?!?" And then drive home. Ah, but yes. This would happen to me. Twice. TWICE!!! I am not a walking comedy movie, but I guess it is kinda funny.. Okay, its really funny. I feel like I'm forever doomed to awkward moments, long pauses, and carefully worded conversations. But this, my friends, is for your entertainment. I laugh at my own expense, and now you can laugh at mine also!
Allow me to explain...
Sometime in, oh, early June I became single, solo, on the market, in the herd-- you get the picture.. Details are irrelevant! Since then, I've been amazing at getting myself into seemingly sketchy situations with other males whenever Mr. Dude shows up.
Example 1!
My good friend Sir Hipster (best male friend) and I went to a party on a whim, mainly because we were bored and my other friends had invited us to go. Of course, I had full knowledge Mr. Dude (ex) would be there later on in the evening, but they promised me it wouldn't be awkward and begged, begged, begged us to go. We agreed, unfortunately. The evening rolls on, the sun sets, the bonfire is made. Its cold out, so Sir Hipster and I head inside for warmth. One thing I should make known about Sir Hipster is that he is a very cuddly person. I've known him about six years, so I just take his cuddliness as it comes. Just how he is to me, how he is, how he always will be.
Anyway!
So we take a seat on a chair, and I'm sitting on him because at the time all of the chairs were outside, and the couch was disgusting. So who better to come in at that moment, then Mr. Dude? He opens the door, hesitates, enters, and makes several snide remarks about the situation. Only then do I begin to realize, "Oh.. wait. Yes. This looks bad. This looks very, very, very bad. Wait, why would he care? He lied to me for half a year about his feelings for me." Well, he cared. He storms out of the house after successfully obtaining whatever beverage he planned on consuming and left with a kind goodbye that went somewhere along the lines of, "Don't forget to use a rubber!"
Dumbfounded, Sir Hipster and I exchange confused glances and go on with our movie, me feeling especially irritated. Mr. Dude returns a few minutes later and tries again to assess the situation, but only becomes more aggravated at the situation progresses. (Mind you, I am fully aware that I made an ass out of myself for being careless and heartless.) He instead decides to once again fall back on his "rubbers" comment and leaves.
Since then, things have been as resolved as they're ever going to be for someone I never want to see again.. But anyway...
Example 2!
This is less extreme, but still... Let me make something known to you. I am from a small town.. So basically the people I'm friends with are friends with people I've previously dated. Its usually not uncommon that our circle of friends touch..
I am friends with a pleasant badass who looks remarkably like Johnny Depp. We've been hanging out now that he's back in town, but a downfall to that is that he's friends with Mr. Dude. He also lives in a house that belongs to a friend of himself and Mr. Dude. We'll call my friend Captain Sparrow.
We were hanging out the other day for a while and decided we needed to do something awesome! Not that there's anything awesome to do in a small town... So we ventured to WalMart, looked at the fish, counted the dead ones, stared at the art, smelled candles, bought coconut water, and left. We planned on going bowling afterwards, but arrived at the bowling alley to find that it was closed. So after finding that our coconut water drinks were repulsive, we threw the cartons to watch them explode. We decided to go back to Captain Sparrow's house and watch Rum Diaries (a Johnny Depp film for those unaware). It proved to be an interesting movie. About fifteen minutes before the movies ends, Mr. Dude happens to walk right in. the room was dark (because the light was burnt out), and Captain Sparrow and I were on the couch. Granted, we were a ways from each other, I still know what was going through Mr. Dude's mind: "What the F*CK is she doing here, in the dark, watching a movie with my best friend?!" Instead, he says, "Why is it so dark in here?.." Captain Sparrow does his best to accommodate for the dark room, and switches on a lamp near the doorway. Mr. Dude directs his dialogue to me. This is about how it goes.
Him: "So... I saw the Ford Focus outside.. I figured it was you, because I don't really know anyone else who drives that.."
Me: "....Haha, yeah.. One of a kind..."
Him: "So... Just got done watching a movie?.."
Me: "...Yeah, it was pretty weird.."
So on and so on about the movie and the plotline. I didn't make eye contact the whole time. Just stared ahead like a blank doll. A blank, awkward doll. The rest of the conversation was about work, and summer, and school.. y'know.. awkward small talk that should have ended sentences ago. I kept thinking about how badly falling from the second story building would hurt just to get away from the guy! After finding out that the last few times Captain Sparrow and I had been hanging out were supposed to be when he was going to hang out with Mr. Dude, I felt even more uncomfortable..
You see.. They're trying to kick certain habits. (When I say trying, more like not even making an attempt) But Captain Sparrow and I made a pact. He'd work hard to stop drinking and smoking, and I would work hard to stop cussing.
Well, no avail on his part because Mr. Dude is planning with him how they're both going to get trashed the next day while I sit and listen for about ten minutes. Not my problem, Mr. Dude can drink himself into a coma for all I care, no longer my problem. What bothered me was that Captain Sparrow was really, really trying to quit, but Mr. Dude just shat all over his accomplishments by pulling the "don't make me drink alone" card.
So I sit there until they're done talking, and without even thinking I stand up. I stand up, and this is what goes through my mind: "I'm up. Why am I up? Oh, yes! To leave. okay. Leaving now. Leaving and never coming back, ever."
Instead, this is the conversation that follows.
Me: "Welp, its been fun, but I better skee-dadle."
Captain: "Oh, okay."
Me: -walks for the door-
Dude: "Going on a date?"
Me: -sarcastic "Hah, hah, hahhh.." laugh-
Dude: -gets really quiet, and mumbles that he was just kidding-
Me: -tries to make light of the awkwardness and responds- "Oh, maybe with my Laptop.. Or my bed."
Dude: -nothing-
Crickets: -CHIRPCHIRPCHIRP- (<---- that is an exaggeration.)
Me: ".....Okay, cya!" -leaves-
As soon as I get into my car, I let loose with a, "WHYYYY?!?!?" And then drive home. Ah, but yes. This would happen to me. Twice. TWICE!!! I am not a walking comedy movie, but I guess it is kinda funny.. Okay, its really funny. I feel like I'm forever doomed to awkward moments, long pauses, and carefully worded conversations. But this, my friends, is for your entertainment. I laugh at my own expense, and now you can laugh at mine also!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
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