Bitter-sweetness.

So school is coming to a close.. Finally, right?
Well, I have mixed feelings about it.
I've become great friends with some people who are taking off for summer/forever.
Bittersweet, yeah. I owe a lot to those people.
I mean, they befriended me when I felt so alone and they even strengthened me and loved me when I just wanted to call it quits. I miss them.
I wish college could last forever..

WOW, it's been a long time!

I haven't forgotten you~~ So much has happened since my last post, my goodness!

Alright, quick rundown I guess.

Art Education Major, two years behind on my career so I have four more years at best. (I'm a sophomore  almost Junior.)
I'm single, less bitter, still cynical. There have been a few bad experiences since my last post.
I'm happy being single, I guess! Or I'm trying to use that as an excuse to guard the remains of my shattered heart hahaha.
I've grown quite strong in my walk with God, but letting His love be enough is a struggle for me still because I just don't know how to understand that intense of a love.. You know?

Let's see, what else? Oh! I've started drawing again. :3 Also, I have a Youtube channel now, whee!
It's finals right now. And.. Uhm.. I don't know.

I'll be back when I can, I guess!
Love you all!

Lonely people are always up in the middle of the night.

Honestly, how true is that? Its 3:13 am here, and I'm wide awake. Why?
Because I feel like I'm missing something, apparently.
Because I'm hurting secretly about something I thought I already let go of.
Of course, I never let go, I only bury. Que sighing.
The stage it set, the candles are all lit. Where are the players?
Seems I'm the only one in the audience waiting for the show of a lifetime.
Also, Why can't I just say what's on my mind?
What's been on my mind for years?
I could kick myself right now.
You would think that by now I would learn that waiting is not a solution.
At least.. I shouldn't be. I don't know.
Waiting is for lazy people, which I am unfortunately.
I wish I could find some satisfaction in this..
At least, other than one day I know God will lead me to the right man.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week, or next month. But someday.
But I don't want to be lonely for that long..
The fact is, I suck at being single.
Ohhh, I am bad at it.
I need someone to hold me, someone to laugh with me.
I need that special bond that you can't have with anyone else, but my problem is that I fall for the wrong people.
And I haaaate it.
I'm so willing to give my heart away, and to love someone that I forget about the other way around.
honestly, I've never understood having a "fling" with someone. Really? That's weak.
I guess I've been ready for the long haul since the beginning.
that's all I really want. To love and be loved.
But fate is cruel to me, and I must remain alone for a long time.
And I know it has to be this way, and it will. No matter how much it hurts, I guess.
And it hurts.

The Bursting Bubble.

One day, I swear...
One day I swear I'll buck up and have the courage to say how I feel, even though it is already painfully obvious.
One day I won't have to hide my face and laugh shyly.
This is driving me near insane.
It goes away, then returns with a sick vengeance, I swear it.
And I know.. I know things wouldn't be right.
Or do I?
The truth is that I'm terrified.
I freeze up, it scares me just as much as the dagger of lightning.
So many things zip through my trembling mind.
If I could scream it from a mountain, I wouldn't.
All I can do is smile stupidly to myself until I implode and say something stupid.
To burst, that's what would happen.
I bury it in a box in the absence.
A lead box that I wrap in chains.
But to no avail, it seeps out from the box and back into my body.
Every inch of me, even the parts that don't exist.
Dreams, thoughts, actions, all of it.
Maddening, sickening.
I almost wish it wasn't this way.
I almost wish it wasn't there.
Cruel, fate is. So very cruel.
So long this has been dwelling in me.
Years, years.
The bubble is bursting.

This is a rant.

I am not a five-year-old.
I am not incapable of doing things myself, the way I want to, and HOW I  WANT TO DO IT.
I have something very important called an opinion, that I am VERY entitled to.
If I wave it around, I don't need to have my head shoved between my knees like some docile puppy.
You are NOT my parental figure, no..
I don't know what gave you ANY idea that you have any sort of rule over me, small one.
One day I'll leave you, and you'll have no one to step on.
One day, what I say, do, think, act, dress, and feel won't matter to you because I'll be so far gone, you won't even be able to smell what childishness you think radiates off of me.
So you leave me alone until you think I'm the age I need to be.

Grand Father

A great big teddy bear of a man.
His dark eyes filled with love and compassion.
"Who's in your heart?"
"Jesus!" I reply happily.
Good humored, and an eternal joker,
bringing light and positivity.
He reached out to the hopeless;
to the people who had none.
He gave them something to believe in,
and that was themselves.
He always said I was a genius,
right from the beginning.
I used to believe it..
More of a father to me than my old man.
A grand man, a good man.
God's man.
He taught me never to be hateful.
"Be gracious to one another,"
he always said.
Best advice I've ever heard.
Such a wise man, but no one to listen.
The only man you should trust with your heart isn't your dad.
It's your grandfather.

The COOLEST thing on the internet. Ever.

I'll make this short. Whilst Stumbling online with my friend Gina, we happened upon this:
Awesome Falling thingy

^Super long thingy, I know.. but don't let that scare you. I can't stop laughing. Go look. Go look now.